=/

http://youtu.be/C-biWIqM3PI

I don't even know where to begin.  Things just started changing and I'm not sure if i'm ready for any change.  The next thing I know, the best thing that's ever happened to me just slipped away.  I was so certain that this was meant to be, and this was going to be a sure thing.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't have anything to do or anyone to reach out to.  Things aren't the same.  I lost a big part of my life, and I can't seem to rebound from it.  I have no desire for anything.  I can only think about my bad, past habit, which temporarily helped me when I was dealing with hardships before.  But I don't wanna keep slowly destructively break apart myself.
How can I be so foolish? This didn't have to happen if I kept it 100%.  From that moment, everything just crashed down like an avalanche.  And now I'm back in the dark, deep ditch.  I'm the only one who can help myself but I can't seem to do that.  All my hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals, are gone. This silence in my house doesn't help me either.  I've never felt so alone before.  I've never felt so defeated.  Knowing that I gave my all, and that it wasn't enough to keep things the way they were.  Knowing that other people have taken my place in her life.  My spirit is crushed, and I'm pretty much killed inside.  I was never a strong person, and the past occurrences not only exposed that, but also sunk my self-esteem even lower.  I can act like everything is ok, I can try being around people and distract myself from what's happening with myself.  But when I drive back home, I feel even worse than before.  I have nothing to come home to.  No one to share my day with.  No one I can hold after a day's work.  No one I can kiss and treat like a queen.  I always knew she meant the world to me, and she still does.  But it's clear that I'm not what she wants or what she needs right now.  I don't know how to be selfless and selfish at the same time.

Note to self

Just do it. Just fucking do it. Don't think it. Do it.


Be happy. Know how much you're worth.

Don't show anyone that you're miserable.

Don't trip.

Laziness and procrastination : FUCK YOU GO AWAY

inyimlfeaeb

:)

life is good

seems like youre also doing well. i wish you the best, white swan =)

well

things are looking up, i suppose.

met someone interesting.  talented.  friendly.  pretty.  someone i never thought i would get connected with.  it's definitely a sign haha, but i dont wanna ruin it.  just go with the flow, i suppose

fml

my parents found my cigarettes.  i opened up to them for the first time in a while that I'm under a lot of pressure and stress.  I feel so low right now.  when will this mourning period end? if you could only knew how empty i feel and how miserable i've been.  i have nothing now =(

i see you

online.. but im too scared to say anything.  I just dont want you to feel pressured and forced.  I dont want you to think im a lifeless psycho who has nothing to do.  maybe i should just go to bed.  i dunno how else to talk to you.  even if i say anything you probably wont care.