well

things are looking up, i suppose.

met someone interesting.  talented.  friendly.  pretty.  someone i never thought i would get connected with.  it's definitely a sign haha, but i dont wanna ruin it.  just go with the flow, i suppose

fml

my parents found my cigarettes.  i opened up to them for the first time in a while that I'm under a lot of pressure and stress.  I feel so low right now.  when will this mourning period end? if you could only knew how empty i feel and how miserable i've been.  i have nothing now =(

i see you

online.. but im too scared to say anything.  I just dont want you to feel pressured and forced.  I dont want you to think im a lifeless psycho who has nothing to do.  maybe i should just go to bed.  i dunno how else to talk to you.  even if i say anything you probably wont care.

just feel like blogging before i shoot the basketball around.  listening to street corner symphony performances from the sing-off. never gets old.  i guess everyone wants to be loved and appreciated, and that includes me.  a good friend of mine said i shouldn't even be worrying about stuff like that right now, and i need to get my focus on.  I feel like i'm talking about the same shit in all these blogs.  i was doing fine and i dont know why but i'm turning all emo again =( waaaaaa. i've been smoking like a chimney.  I need God but I'm too much of a bastardly son to ask for His forgiveness.  I need a reality check.  I need something MAJOR to happen in my life.  welps that's all for today.  who knows, maybe something interesting will happen later on today and i'll write it here, if i feel like it.

just so you know

... these past 2 weeks have been pretty depressing, to say the least.  my plan to go back to school in September is still good to go, it's just that I hate waiting. I have NO patience.  This is bad.  what the hell am i supposed to do for the next 8 months? Well, ok, i know I can start preparing for the GMAT test.  And to be sure I turn in the applications.  That's actually kind of important, huh. Fuck.



and yes, i've been feeling a little lonely.  it sucks having no one to call/text whenever you need someone to talk to.  if you're reading this (you know who you are), i commend you for sticking up to your goals, and for for once trying to make a relationship work.  Sometimes i wonder, "where was all this effort when we were together?" but lets not lament on what happened in the past.  we can always improve and work on the future, which is something we all should do.  i havent been posting up a new entry in 2 weeks! dont mind the rustiness.  til next time.

do you think

.. that exes can remain friends? i'm still trying to put all the puzzle pieces together.  i know in the back of my mind I believe that it's possible, even though i know it's going to be really tough.  I just need to keep a few things in mind, i suppose.

1. PATIENCE.  this is what I hate about myself.  the past 7 days have felt like 7 weeks, and the reason why I feel that timeframe is so stretched out is because of my severe impatience.  I get caught up so much into forcing and making things happen unnaturally that I stress out and lose my mind at times.  Look at today! I decide to keep it cool and let things unfold on their own, and I got what I wanted; quality time with her.  that's all I could ever hope for at this very moment.  Both of us have our own priorities that we need to deal with, and we both want different things.  Therefore it's only right to simply go with the flow.  one day at a time.  I am REALLY happy that today went perfectly.  After spending time with her, exchanging ideas and stories, I feel like being friends is possible after all.

2. PERSEVERANCE.  I need to be determined that I can make this work.  I can't let my irrational-at-times, volatile emotions control me.  I have to be strong.  My psycho actions were the reason she was afraid of me.  She was scared of losing me because she didnt want me to turn into a monster.  I need to be strong. Didn't I just say it? but i really feel that way.  I NEED TO BE STRONG.  if youre strong mentally, then you can do whatever the hell you want.  nothing can stop you.

3.  JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE.  we both agree that were still at a young age, therefore it's important to just go out there and do your thing.  I keep getting sidetracked with worrying about my future life, that the fear of uncertainty and the troubling worrisome become a part of my daily life.  I mean im not one of those guys that go into DGAF mode, I can't help but think about what's ahead of me.  But while that's not a bad thing, that shouldn't stop me from enjoying what's going on right now.  I have a wonderful life.  I have a God, a loving family, awesome group of friends, and a healthy body.  Why can't i just have fun, right?

anyhoo, its been kinda fun blogging; hopefully I can keep it up.  Goodnight world

wow

what .. just.. happened .. today?


i thank God for keeping me safe and teaching me to walk away from a fight.

to be continued