new year

well i dunno what made me decide to start one of these things, i used to have a xanga when i was in high school.  Too bad I deleted all the entries so I can't look back and reflect on how I was back then, and compare it to myself today.  It's the new year and I feel that THIS is the year where I will finally find out where I'm heading in life.  What I will be doing for my career.  What kind of person I will be for the rest of my life.  I'm 23 but will I even see 24? At the rate things are going, i dunno. (Coolio the 90s rapper said that).
ok its a new year but 5 days going into 2011 I already feel like I am up for a challenging, tumultuous year.  I feel like I'm slowly changing into a person that I don't wanna be.  I still have the same old habits that push me back from moving forward (procrastination, lack of self-esteem, to name a few of the MANY MANY problems) and on top of that I have other issues added.  Worries about my relationship with God, career, my social life, my love life, my health continue to loom around in my mind.  I haven't been saying a word of prayer to God when things are going rough, which is probably the cause of all this stress and agony I'm in.  Pastor Barizo (May God continue to bless him and his family) said that it's easy to thank God and praise Him when you are successful and living your dream, and that's why he's thankful when he experiences hardship because thats when he knows he can talk to God and come to Him to ask for His mercy.  I'm blessed to have a special individual introduced to my life exactly 10 months ago, and while I wished that things didn't have to change between us, I guess for now things aren't clicking.  I never thought I would be in pain and be sick and worried over what she's doing, all because while i think i care about her and want whats best for her (or what I THINK whats best for her) deep down im obsessed and possessive and selfish, and seeing her happy with other people and not with me makes my stomach turns into knots.  I feel like I've failed.  I used to be a laidback person who sees the good in the bad and now I complain and gripe about everything.  My job isn't taking me anywhere, i'm making barely above minimum wage when I already have a degree.  What the hell am I still doing there? Waiting and hoping for a promotion when I know that it's never gonna happen.  I feel like with everything I do I set myself up just so i can fail and fall down.  It saddens me that I find myself in my room doing nothing when my parents and my sister are together, planning activities for church and having some quality family time.  I'm not jealous or anything, believe me.  And i'm not feeling left out.  I just feel so low of myself because I haven't done them proud with what I've been doing with my life. I've lost around 30 lbs.  Ocassional exercising contributed to that loss, but most of it is because of my bad diet.  I would starve myself so I can lose that weight.  I used to be a fatass who would eat a california burrito, fish taco and carne asada fries all at the same time, and now I cant even stand the sight of a big plate of food.  Well, I have my moments with food, actually.  But its safe to say that my eating habit isnt like what it once was, which i guess could be a good or a bad thing.
anyhoo, i'll probably write about my goals this year tomorrow or something, i'm kinda tired from all the mind-numbing restless catastrophy at work that always seems to suck the life out of me.  Goodnight